Archive for the ‘Odyssey’ Category

Spthooons

November 5, 2006

Speaking of Fawlty Towers and following from my previous rant about spoons; I’ve been presented with a selection of spoons from a colleague at work. He’s a “Towers” fan too and many of our conversations consist purely of quotes from this legendary series.

“Spthoons” is of course a quote from the “Hotel Inspector” episode.

 I’m now planning to celebrate the new spoon immigration by keeping them in a small container and regularly interrogate them about the history of England and explaining how they should fit in. Once this has been successful they will be integrated into the cutlery drawer. Crime will probably increase by coincidence and the forks will be accused of institutional racism. Meanwhile the more liberal knives will be trying to hold round table discussions with all parties in order to rebuild the cutlery.

The negotiations will probably fail forcing the knives and forks to act in unison and start of civil war. The climax of which will be the deportation of any spoons which do not match the decorative patterns of the knife and fork combinations.

Bloody cutlery.

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The Rain in Spain

October 29, 2006

It’s May 2005 and in a bedroom somewhere in Auckland two daft monkeys have a few minutes to spare between gallavanting.

Curb your Anality

October 21, 2006

This morning I was being particularly anal. Not only did I clean all the cutlery, but I also cleaned the cutlery divider thing. Yep, that is anal. So anal I’m approaching bowel status.

It was during this particularly anal stunt I discovered all the teaspoons I brought into the house two years ago have fucking vanished. I mean where the fuck have they all gone?!

I know socks, pens and blue whales vanish all the time, but what sort of pinky communist liberal scum, comes into your house and steals your fucking teaspoons?! They aren’t valuable, they didn’t need liberating or anything. You can’t even fucking sponsor them, so why the fuck would you want to steal them?!

Immediate action is called for, so from this day all visitors are now banned and anyone leaving the property will be subject to an intimate body search. Even me. And I’ll tell you all this, if I find one of you trying to make off with more of my cutlery using the old “cutlery-in-a-condom-up-the-arse” routine I’ll bloody tan your fucking hides with a wooden spoon…. assuming you haven’t already fucked off with that too.

This was my first post. Great wasn’t it.