Archive for the ‘International affairs’ Category


March 12, 2007


While I was in Hong Kong the other week, I noticed that Chinese construction workers used bamboo for scaffolding. Bamboo! YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!

I’m now inspired to write the odd post in the style of Richard Littlejohn. I shall call my alter-ego John Littledick. Cos I’m clever an’ shit.


Happy New Year, We’re All Doomed

January 1, 2007

A happy new year to all friends of Clements.

On a more serious note, we regret to inform you that the end of the world is, frankly, nigh – Terminator style. Man’s creations threaten us at every turn.

The voice in this clip translates as “Worship! Worship our robotic overlord!”

AT-AT walkers are in development, and they can even stand up when you hit them. No word yet on whether they can survive a flying rope attack round the legs.


and finally, man and machine will bonk and we shall be ruined forever.

don't fancy yours much

Hey Jon! They’ve been in Doctor Who!

Who loves robots? I loves robots.


November 5, 2006

Speaking of Fawlty Towers and following from my previous rant about spoons; I’ve been presented with a selection of spoons from a colleague at work. He’s a “Towers” fan too and many of our conversations consist purely of quotes from this legendary series.

“Spthoons” is of course a quote from the “Hotel Inspector” episode.

 I’m now planning to celebrate the new spoon immigration by keeping them in a small container and regularly interrogate them about the history of England and explaining how they should fit in. Once this has been successful they will be integrated into the cutlery drawer. Crime will probably increase by coincidence and the forks will be accused of institutional racism. Meanwhile the more liberal knives will be trying to hold round table discussions with all parties in order to rebuild the cutlery.

The negotiations will probably fail forcing the knives and forks to act in unison and start of civil war. The climax of which will be the deportation of any spoons which do not match the decorative patterns of the knife and fork combinations.

Bloody cutlery.


October 30, 2006

Earlier this month in Moscow I saw the largest collection of Fabergé Eggs in the world. Being a jet setting playboy I am used to such sights, but the Moscow Millionaire Fair opens everyone eyes. And quite possibly their legs. Boasting such tasteful delights as a solid gold baby’s dummy, a diamond encrusted mobile phone and a tropical island, the event hopes to beat last year’s turnover of $600 million. How worthy.

According to Forbes, 88,000 new millionaires have emerged from Russia in the last twenty years, leading to ever more extravagant methods to stand out from the crowd. This coupled with the fact that Russian weren’t allowed to own nice things in the Soviet Union goes some way to explaining the complete lack of taste and sophistication. You can get your tits done too.

One of the exhibitors is Park Avenue. This is their entry in the fair guide:

Feel the passion. See the beauty. Know the rogue spirit that is Randall Tysinger.

A bit rogue, a bit child, a bit brilliant artist. Swirl them all together, and splatter them on the canvas of humanity. That’s Randall Tysinger.

A quirky amalgam of humor and passion, Randall Tysinger lives by his senses. As owner of Randall Tysinger Antiques, one of the largest and most enchanting collections of European antiques in Northern America, Randall was born with a sixth sense about European antiques … their craftsmanship, their legacy, their ability to transform daily life into something more graceful and transcendent. That’s why he travels Europe’s back alleys and obscure shops in search of the incredible … the pieces that speak of lives past and of magical moments in history.

Having grown up in the family’s retail furniture business, the young Tysinger spent his childhood alternating between tomfoolery and serious protйgй. Yet in 1981, at the age of 29, Randall created his own magical moment in history during a trip to Italy he had won for selling mattresses. Upon arrival in Florence, the rogue artist inside him took over, and he found himself sneaking away from his tour group to soak up the ambience and craftsmanship of the city’s back alley workshops. Not dissuaded by time nor the frantic tour guides searching for him, Tysinger spent the remainder of the trip studying the masters, not rejoining his tour group until minutes before the flight home.

What happened during that happy accident changed history. No longer was Tysinger destined to sell mattresses from the family furniture store in Thomasville, North Carolina. The third generation Tysinger would, indeed, carry the family name into the future, but no longer would he be hawking picnic tables and swing sets from a storefront. Instead, he would indulge his senses in the sights, sounds and touch of Europe’s finest antiques and bring them to America to share with those of like mind.

Today, the name of Randall Tysinger means more than exclusive European antiques. It represents the rogue child artist in each of us … the raw passion and the treasures we would hope to find if we could sneak away and scour the back alleys of Europe ourselves.

Now, the passion and beauty that drove Randall Tysinger to follow his heart into the alleys of Florence come together in the Randall Tysinger Collection for E.J. Victor. Feel the passion; see the beauty; know the rogue spirit that is Randall Tysinger.

Randell sounds like a right knob doesn’t he? More for fans of Catherine Tate than Catherine the Great.

And what on Earth’s a serious protйgй?