Archive for the ‘Comment’ Category


March 12, 2007


While I was in Hong Kong the other week, I noticed that Chinese construction workers used bamboo for scaffolding. Bamboo! YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!

I’m now inspired to write the odd post in the style of Richard Littlejohn. I shall call my alter-ego John Littledick. Cos I’m clever an’ shit.


Smashing Time

March 12, 2007

You know when something horrible is imminent and time seems to slow? The plate slips and hurtles towards the ground, Rob Green saves only to see the ball fall to Paul Stalteri who shoots into the unguarded net, you’ve left a child in front of a tank. Horrible isn’t it?

Another popular example happened to me yesterday, with a flick of a cat’s arse, my wine glass was sent spinning to the ground. It could have been worse, only the stem broke, but it made me wonder, what actually is the point of having drinking vessels made of glass?

A couple of years ago I went on a picnic, naturally I would want to get blind pissed, so I bought a shed load of wine. And some glasses. Of course they weren’t actual glasses, they were made of plastic, but I can’t say I bought some plastics, that just sounds silly. But not as silly as taking actual glasses, they would have smashed in my bag and thus cut my face off when I tried to use them. Of course the risk of domestic glass mishap is far less but it does happen. A woman was jailed on Friday for severing her husband’s artery with a tumbler. So why don’t we use plastic all the time?

After a brief bit of research, the rather obvious answer was presented to me. Plastic scratches too easily and can’t be cleaned as well, thus making it far less hygienic than glass. Bugger.

Unfortunately no one can actually reach a consensus on why glass breaks so easily. After 2,000 years of making and breaking glass, one might think there would be a definitive answer. But at the Third International Workshop on the Flow and Fracture of Advanced Glasses (oh yes), held in the US in October 2005, 50 or so of the world’s top glass scientists (never really thought about those before) scratched their heads as researchers presented sharply conflicting views on the topic.

According to a major international incident was narrowly avoided after several hours of heated discussion. Closer international co-operation on the issue is advised to find a (un)breakthough.  Until such time, I shall continue to risk life, limb and lip in the pursuit of alcoholic oblivion. And be irritated by cats.

Wasting Away

December 21, 2006

It’s a well known fact that I love Christmas, and it does tend to bring out the best and worst in people.  My mother would happliy invite various warring mutants to our house on Christmas Day, dertermined to give them a ‘normal Christmas experience’, completely forgetting that it was her family that usually had a new experince.  Many are the Christmases of yesteryear that I’ve watched presents being flung from first floor windows or games of Pictionary decend into bareknuckle boxing.

But one thing I dislike about Christmas is the waste, particularly in regard to cards. 

The average Brit sends 17 cards at Christmas, that’s over a billion across the country.  Or nearly 400,000 trees.

This is appalling and it’s a problem.  Happily there is a simple solution; stop sending cards you morons.  Or if you must send them, write them in pencil, then it can be erased and used again next year.  Of course you could always buy recycled ones I suppose.

When your heroes sell out

October 20, 2006


Things that is written wrong

October 17, 2006

London Lite have wisely decided not to put this on their website so I shall have to go to the bother of typing it all out for you. These are the opening paragraphs of their Kerry Katona book review;

Reading C-listers harp on about how they struggled with the pressures of fame to overcome Free Booze and Drugs Syndrome is getting rather old.
So it is refreshing, albeit harrowingly so, to hear the tale of a celebrity whose struggles were truly monstrous and who made it out the other side.

For a moment there I thought the reviewer didn’t like reading C-listers harp on about… Sod it. I don’t want to belittle Ms Katona’s struggles, she did after all witness her mum’s suicide attempts and was sent in to foster care and rehab and Loose Women, but this Martha DeLacy is clearly a big old liar. You love reading reading C-listers harp on about their struggles, Martha DeLacy. You love it.