Archive for March, 2007


March 12, 2007


While I was in Hong Kong the other week, I noticed that Chinese construction workers used bamboo for scaffolding. Bamboo! YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!

I’m now inspired to write the odd post in the style of Richard Littlejohn. I shall call my alter-ego John Littledick. Cos I’m clever an’ shit.


They’ve been in Doctor Who # 4

March 12, 2007


Ken Dodd

Smashing Time

March 12, 2007

You know when something horrible is imminent and time seems to slow? The plate slips and hurtles towards the ground, Rob Green saves only to see the ball fall to Paul Stalteri who shoots into the unguarded net, you’ve left a child in front of a tank. Horrible isn’t it?

Another popular example happened to me yesterday, with a flick of a cat’s arse, my wine glass was sent spinning to the ground. It could have been worse, only the stem broke, but it made me wonder, what actually is the point of having drinking vessels made of glass?

A couple of years ago I went on a picnic, naturally I would want to get blind pissed, so I bought a shed load of wine. And some glasses. Of course they weren’t actual glasses, they were made of plastic, but I can’t say I bought some plastics, that just sounds silly. But not as silly as taking actual glasses, they would have smashed in my bag and thus cut my face off when I tried to use them. Of course the risk of domestic glass mishap is far less but it does happen. A woman was jailed on Friday for severing her husband’s artery with a tumbler. So why don’t we use plastic all the time?

After a brief bit of research, the rather obvious answer was presented to me. Plastic scratches too easily and can’t be cleaned as well, thus making it far less hygienic than glass. Bugger.

Unfortunately no one can actually reach a consensus on why glass breaks so easily. After 2,000 years of making and breaking glass, one might think there would be a definitive answer. But at the Third International Workshop on the Flow and Fracture of Advanced Glasses (oh yes), held in the US in October 2005, 50 or so of the world’s top glass scientists (never really thought about those before) scratched their heads as researchers presented sharply conflicting views on the topic.

According to a major international incident was narrowly avoided after several hours of heated discussion. Closer international co-operation on the issue is advised to find a (un)breakthough.  Until such time, I shall continue to risk life, limb and lip in the pursuit of alcoholic oblivion. And be irritated by cats.